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Well here we are again, awaiting the start of another sickly stacked UFC card. Since we're all about to earnestly fork out $55 for two hours of entertainment (yes, all of us, shhh) I figured I would take the time to share all of my infinite wisdoms once again. Hopefully this incredibly long and stupid post will add value to your viewing experience.
Negative Zero Presents
UFC 174: Johnson vs Bagauthisnameisafuckingnightmare
FIGHT PASS BULLSHIT
Jason Saggo (-110) vs John Shockley (+100) - Lightweight
This is a very intriguing fight and if I had to make up a new word for how I think I will react when it ends, it would be shockley. You see, I have a trademark way of determining fight outcomes when I am not familiar with the fighters involved. It's called Analyzing Names Using Smartness, or ANUS for short. Take a moment and use your own ANUS to think of how the fight may end.
Roland Delorme (+110)vs. Michinori Tanaka (-120) - Bantamweight
Tanaka sees him Roland, he hatin', controlling, tryin' to make his score be 30. 30-27 that is. We've got two fighters with awkward stand-up and a love of clinch takedowns here. Joe Silva knows fireworks when he sees them and it's the 4th of July, and someone says "HEY JOE SILVA LOOK UP AT THOSE FIREWORKS IN THE SKY, THOSE ARE FIREWORKS JOE SILVA!".
PRELIMINARY BULLSHIT
Kajan Johnson (-160) vs Tae Hyun Bang (+150) - Lightweight
Bang vs Johnson. Or Bang/Johnson depending on how you like your fight formatting. I guess I'd prefer to Bang/Johnson if you don't mind. ANYWAY, this is one Cajun combo I don't think Tae will enjoy.
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Dat distance control doe. Johnson via sheer size, control, and explosiveness.
Yves Jabouin (+185) vs Mike Easton (-200) - Bantamweight
Yves Jabouin is 13-4 in fights that occur on even-numbered dates and Mike Easton has never won a fight in Canada. Coincidence? You decide.
Valérie Létourneau (-105)vs Elizabeth Phillips (-105) - Women's Bantamweight
Before you get ready for some sort of sexist joke why don't you just sit right there and check your privilege. Go ahead, I'll wait.
All right well... I got nothin.
![]()
Phillips via her technical standup.
Daniel Sarafian (-435) vs Kiichi Kunimoto (+385) - Welterweight
Some more obscure statistics for your consideration: Sarafian is 0-3 against fighters with Wikipedia pages, while Kunimoto is 3-0 against Americans who try to pronounce his name correctly. What does this mean for the fight? Not very much, believe you me you me, you.
And since pretty much all the footage I could find on Kunimoto is contained in the following .gif...
![]()
I don't know what to make of it. He sure can take a beating to the back of his head? Well hopefully he won't need to display that skill for a second time tonight. Gonna have to go with the Brazilian Armenian Mr. Gantman on this one.
Well here we are again, awaiting the start of another sickly stacked UFC card. Since we're all about to earnestly fork out $55 for two hours of entertainment (yes, all of us, shhh) I figured I would take the time to share all of my infinite wisdoms once again. Hopefully this incredibly long and stupid post will add value to your viewing experience.
Negative Zero Presents
UFC 174: Johnson vs Bagauthisnameisafuckingnightmare
FIGHT PASS BULLSHIT
Jason Saggo (-110) vs John Shockley (+100) - Lightweight
This is a very intriguing fight and if I had to make up a new word for how I think I will react when it ends, it would be shockley. You see, I have a trademark way of determining fight outcomes when I am not familiar with the fighters involved. It's called Analyzing Names Using Smartness, or ANUS for short. Take a moment and use your own ANUS to think of how the fight may end.
Roland Delorme (+110)vs. Michinori Tanaka (-120) - Bantamweight
Tanaka sees him Roland, he hatin', controlling, tryin' to make his score be 30. 30-27 that is. We've got two fighters with awkward stand-up and a love of clinch takedowns here. Joe Silva knows fireworks when he sees them and it's the 4th of July, and someone says "HEY JOE SILVA LOOK UP AT THOSE FIREWORKS IN THE SKY, THOSE ARE FIREWORKS JOE SILVA!".
PRELIMINARY BULLSHIT
Kajan Johnson (-160) vs Tae Hyun Bang (+150) - Lightweight
Bang vs Johnson. Or Bang/Johnson depending on how you like your fight formatting. I guess I'd prefer to Bang/Johnson if you don't mind. ANYWAY, this is one Cajun combo I don't think Tae will enjoy.
Dat distance control doe. Johnson via sheer size, control, and explosiveness.
Yves Jabouin (+185) vs Mike Easton (-200) - Bantamweight
Yves Jabouin is 13-4 in fights that occur on even-numbered dates and Mike Easton has never won a fight in Canada. Coincidence? You decide.
Valérie Létourneau (-105)vs Elizabeth Phillips (-105) - Women's Bantamweight
Before you get ready for some sort of sexist joke why don't you just sit right there and check your privilege. Go ahead, I'll wait.
All right well... I got nothin.
Phillips via her technical standup.
Daniel Sarafian (-435) vs Kiichi Kunimoto (+385) - Welterweight
Some more obscure statistics for your consideration: Sarafian is 0-3 against fighters with Wikipedia pages, while Kunimoto is 3-0 against Americans who try to pronounce his name correctly. What does this mean for the fight? Not very much, believe you me you me, you.
And since pretty much all the footage I could find on Kunimoto is contained in the following .gif...
I don't know what to make of it. He sure can take a beating to the back of his head? Well hopefully he won't need to display that skill for a second time tonight. Gonna have to go with the Brazilian Armenian Mr. Gantman on this one.